Do you hear groans coming from some parents about the tasks and responsibilities of parenting today? What can be done when parental joy seems lacking? A complaining attitude and conversation can spoil the fabric of family happiness.

John P. Blessington, former director of education relations for CBS Television, thinks negative attitudes should be examined and smoked out if parents are going to act as contributors, not inhibitors, to family happiness.

At a conference for parents, educators, classroom teachers, and daycare specialists, he addressed this topic and elaborated on “The Joys of Parenting – a Nondrug Approach.”

As an educator and father, Mr. Blessington observed some common obstacles to family harmony. He said, “There’s something very wrong with giving children everything, then complaining how spoiled they are.” What we often are not giving them, though, is the feeling of self-worth. This quality is promoted by teaching children how to care for themselves and their home. These were integral lessons for our fore-fathers, taught at home through wood chopping, butter churning, and other survival skills.

Another complaint from parents, Mr. Blessington pointed out, is that “my children just won’t help at home.” He examined a few reasons this is so. Excessive homework assignments and after-school lessons or clubs often rob children of their free time to do and contribute at home. Joy is restricted if children are enrolled in music lessons, soccer, ballet, etc., because of a parent’s interest or ambition, and not their own. “We should slow down our pace and be a quiet leader for happiness,” he recommended. [Read more…] about Fostering joy within the family

Years ago, while studiously taking notes during a social studies class, the boy next to me suddenly crashed to the floor after falling asleep. I’ll never know whether it was the warm afternoon combined with the teacher’s lulling voice or lack of rest the previous night that sent him sprawling. Parents and teachers know how essential it is for students not to be handicapped by fatigue; yet, for numerous reasons, the bedtime hour often becomes progressively later.

If you have little night owls who seem to come alive after dark, then you’ve probably tried setting rules, reasoning, night lights, stuffed animals, and warm flannel sleepers. That’s a good start. But one of the surest ways to smooth the transition from the family circle to a dark bedroom is to include the traditional bedtime story. Somewhere between brushing teeth and saying prayers, many busy parents make time for literary companionship, which calms and prepares a child for a good night’s sleep.

Oral storytelling is the oldest form of communicating tales, and it thrives today. A father of two finds his children run and jump into bed if he promises to tell his version of the “Lone Ranger.” A grandfather said to me recently, “I wish I had written down all the stories I made up for my children.” That time together had provided warm memories later as well as pleasant passage into dreamland at the time.

Another father chooses to sing his tales with guitar accompaniment. This proved to be a success with his nine-month-old son. In fact, when they flew to another city to visit relatives, grandmother had to rent a guitar for bedtime continuity. Singing a soft lullaby delights children, even if parents don’t have a guitar or sing in key.

For most parents, the classic bedtime storybook sets the quiet, peaceful mood at day’s end. These books, designed especially for young children, are short enough to be finished before lights out, hold interest with appealing illustrations, and have a happy ending. A children’s librarian can help select the stories children love to hear again and again. Here are some of the old favorites to add to a parent’s list of favorites.

 

“Goodnight Moon,” by Margaret Wise Brown.

“Dreams,” by Ezra Jack Keats.

“Bedtime for Frances,” by Russell Hoban.

“The Cat at Night,” by Dahlov Ipcar.

 

These books are not guaranteed to put a child to sleep. And most likely they will initiate a sharing of personal impressions and experiences. But if parent and child enjoy some style of a story together, fewer bedtime battles will delay a good night’s rest. And that means less danger of falling asleep the next day in school, or anywhere else!

Everyone, including children, needs appreciation. Yet there are growing signs that, instead of being appreciated, many children are being neglected, bullied, or even worse.

Child abuse touches every area, race, and economic level with the number of reported cases skyrocketing.

These are national problems that point out the importance of being highly appreciative of children. What does this require of parents? Some of the key elements are understanding children, spending time with them on activities you both enjoy, listening carefully to what they say, and recognizing their deeds with simple verbal appreciation.

Recently a mother of two young children realized how much she valued her children. She had been bothered for months by a difficult family problem. Despite her strong desire to remain calm, one afternoon she found herself yelling at and scolding the children. Suddenly she felt a small pair of arms around her waist as her daughter quietly said, “It’s all right, mommy. I love you. Remember to save your best behavior for home!” Then they both laughed, and the mother told her seven-year-old how much she appreciated the loving encouragement.

This mother’s appreciation was not abstract or kept to herself, but was expressed in a concrete way that her child could understand. If her response had been less than encouraging, the child may have held back from helping her mother or someone else in future situations. Obviously children will want to repeat what brought them appreciation from their parents.

How often do we stop to thank our children for something they have said or done? Perhaps it may be as significant as defusing an explosive atmosphere, yet aren’t there many ways we can appreciate children every day if we don’t focus on criticizing their mistakes, messiness, manners, etc.? [Read more…] about Responding To the Power of Appreciation

Answering children’s questions can be a challenging proposition. Sometimes we’re surprised at the insight or frankness of a child’s inquiry and then launch into an unnecessary long explanation.

Other times, we feel so bombarded by when, what, why and where that we’d welcome a vacation from “20 Questions.”

As long as there are children eager to learn about their surroundings, there’ll be questions. One way to make the most of their inquisitive times is to sharpen our listening skills. What are they really asking? This basic ingredient of all communication – listening – helps us to give more specific and helpful responses.

Usually children are asking for one of three types of answers. Our listening ability will determine which type to offer.

“I want the facts” is the direct type of request perhaps most common of youngsters. Questions about the environment, machines, animals, holidays, and space are topics we tackle from the preschool years on. All these are likely to stump a parent once in a while, unless you’re a walking encyclopedia. But being well read and up-to-date on our ever-changing world will arm us, along with the reference books or computer search for the tougher questions.

Looking answers up together is a good way to show that answering our own questions can be an on-going everyday adventure. High interest books from the library encourage individual investigation.

Listening carefully and sometimes asking, “Is this what you mean…?” helps us to identify exactly what facts children are seeking. For instance there’s the time a son asked, “Mom, where did I come from?” so the mom carefully explained the facts of reproduction. Then the son replied, “Oh, Billy came from Massachusetts!”

Then there are the young philosophical types of questions, which involve more reflection than clarification. “Why do crickets sing at night?” or “Why do we need the color black?” are typical questions which are often just a desire by children to test out their own explanations and reasons for a puzzle at hand.

Why not turn the questions back to them? One young boy came up with these theories: “Crickets sing at night because people aren’t around to kill them” and “We need black for the sky at night.”

Letting children answer their own questions promotes more reflective thinking and logical reasoning.

The third type of question is the hidden one. It can be the hardest to answer because it’s a cover-up for something deeper. We might have a reply for their immediate question, but often further discussion will expose another concern or challenge. “Do I have to go to school?” or “Are you sorry that you grew up?” would suggest to listening parents that there might be more.

Exploring answers and solutions to the more serious concerns of children can bring comfort and closeness to the family unit. They may not be instant solutions, but active listening will help to get the real questions out into the arena of discussion.

Above all show children that you hear their questions by saying that you understand what they are asking and by working at providing a good answer. This is the best way to invite more questions and promote a child-parent interchange through the years.

In January, Leslie’s parents were told she probably would not finish the first-grade reading program by June. Now she is an avid reader and there is no doubt she will complete the reading requirements.

What made such a dramatic change in Leslie’s ability in less than three months? Her parents attribute it to bringing a needed balance to her day.

First of all, they met with the first-grade teacher and together they mapped out a reading program for home which would support the instruction at school. They set aside time each day to practice phonics, sight words, and comprehension.

But Leslie’s mother felt the greatest contribution to her daughter’s new enthusiasm for books was eliminating excessive TV viewing from her daily schedule. They moved the TV from the family room to the basement where it is relatively inconvenient to switch on. Then they developed a few thoughtful, consistent rules for TV viewing. “Now we all read more and watch TV half as much,” her mother says. Not only has Leslie benefited by her parents’ action, but also her two-year-old sister is being guided toward a more balanced day.

Much of a parent’s effort in raising children is spent in trying to provide the best balance of activities. For example, parents often adjust home activities in order to improve school performance. However, there is no special schedule a family can follow which guarantees an ideal day, since each child is unique and continually changing.

Identifying a child’s needs, as Leslie’s parents did, is one way to know what activities would bring better balance to the day. Another way is to listen to children and to take note of their comments, such as, “I’m bored!” How often do we brush aside such a complaint with a quick, “Find something to do.”

Instead, for example, we might ask ourselves: When was the last time we took an inventory of toys, extracted the out-grown ones and added a few new ones which correspond to their current interest and ability? Rotating the toys brings variety and new interest to playtime. [Read more…] about Less TV Viewing Aids Reading

Is order in the playroom a fantasy or can it be a fact? Here are three key actions – limit, maintain, discard – that can help to make it happen.

No one can stipulate the exact number of toys appropriate for preschoolers to own, but some limit certainly needs to be reached.  A study conducted among middle-income homes in North Carolina found that both boys and girls under the age of six had an average of 90 toys.

Now what adult could organize and choose among 90 different activities?  Aren’t we causing confusion rather than promoting growth, by overwhelming children with things?  The important criteria at any age is to provide toys that fulfill different needs, such as active, quiet, creative, dramatic, etc.

A toddler, for instance, might enjoy a push toy, a puzzle, crayons and paper, and puppets. As parents see their children’s interests and abilities changing, they can add different toys and remove the outgrown one.

Periodically rotating the toys brings variety to playtime without adding to numbers and expense.  January is a good time to select a few of the Christmas toys for temporary hibernation.  A game, puzzle, doll, book, etc. can seem like new found treasure when it reappears later on a cold or rainy day.

Responsibility for maintaining the toys should shift naturally from the parents to the children, but this does not happen automatically.  Asking a preschooler to “Clean up the playroom.” can sound as challenging as “Fix the dinner.”  If parents and children work side-by-side at first, the cooperation multiplies. [Read more…] about How To Find, Keep Order In Playroom